Traditionally on St. Patrick’s Day, people will pinch you for not wearing a specific secondary color (green), because people are mean (sometimes) and also because elementary school taught us to do this (yes). At one time or another, we’ve all been the lone kid in class who forgot to wear green anything that day, so we had to endure a day’s worth of pinching and laughter and general mean spiritedness that only lepers have felt. Or so we’ve read somewhere.
So we start planning for next St. Patrick’s Day, because next St. Patrick’s Day we would be ready, and next St. Patrick’s Day we would be wearing so much friggin’ green, and next St. Patrick’s Day we would be the ones to pinch the noob who forgot! Cue maniacal laughter, because really, St. Patrick’s Day taught us how to deal with regret, to learn from our mistakes, to plan ahead, to wait, to pick our outfits, and to apparently just be adults come to think of it. Thanks, St. Patrick’s Day.
And while the practice of pinching might be out of the norm now that we’re all adults and can go to the bathroom without permission from a teacher, there’s always that lone friend or coworker or rogue child who will still judge us for not keeping up with the Irish tradition. So, we figured we could help you out with that. Here’s our plan to avoid getting pinched.
Eat This Doughnut in Front of Their Faces
via @Doughdoughnuts Instagram
This is a green velvet cheesecake doughnut from Dough, and like our favorite green Marvel superhero, this Hulk pastry will keep any unwanted pinchers at bay. They won’t like it when you’re angrily eating this in front of their face, because it’s green. Green dictates they can’t pinch you. Also they’ll be jealous you have a doughnut. Green is also the color of jealousy.
Eat These Cupcakes in Front of Their Faces
via @magnoliabakery Instagram
Especially do this if it’s a rogue child pinching willy nilly. First, find their parent. Second, if you are their parent, still eat these St. Paddy’s Day shamrock cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery in front of them. The child can’t pinch you now, because wee he or she’s probably really sad that you won’t share this cupcake.
Eat These Brownies in Front of Their Faces
via @ProteinBakery Twitter
The green mint and the chocolate brownies are not only a great, fulfilling snack by way of Protein Bakery, but they’re also a great way to keep pinchers from getting too comfortable. Maybe you already ate your cupcake or doughnut, but then bam! You had this brownie in your desk drawer or pocket all the time. They don’t stand a chance at all.
Are you seeing the pattern? Yes, you don’t have to make sure you’re wearing green when you get ready today. It’s OK you didn’t find your leprechaun socks like your coworker Kevin. Your way at least includes tons of snacks during the day.